Faileding

Oops I did it

Again.

No, not the Brittany Spears fiasco. I’m speaking of the fall, the failing, the mess up. I speaking of the fact that no matter how hard I try, I still can’t seem to stop from falling, or failing, or perhaps faileding.

I fall. We all do, but I feel like the Apostle.

When I try to do good evil is present with me.

Yet still. Another mistake, and another…

I’m not my judge. Thankfully…

Yet this sinner seems to resurface over and again and again.

What good is repentance if I continue in faileding?

There must be a better way, an understanding, a realization, or a revelation.

Either I must needs be delivered, or that which I think is sin isn’t really that which I think it is…

Oh wretched man that I am…

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The Show Must Go On

Round and round it goes. Where it stops nobody knows. This carousel continues to spin yet I effectively offers little fulfillment of divine order, and purpose.

Jump, dance, and twirl after you lie, steal, cheat, and deceive.

Maybe things have changed. Maybe humility has won, and no longer does pride reign. Sadly this is more than likely not the case or certain restrictions would be lifted. The abomination would no longer need t be fed, and truest of unifying could indeed take place.

Still, the show must go on. We had so many people. We have gifting. Hurry and step right up to see the miraculous, the signs, and wonders. Admission is of no monetary value.

It is simply paid by your blind obedience, absolute submission, and complete loyalty to the cause.

I watch you and wonder what is the point of it all? Is this really a biblically accurate way of doing this so called “church” thing?

Are we really so focused on the lights, sound, presentation, and theme that we neglect the truest of all edicts.

I thought this was about loving God and loving people. I thought our identity was in Christ and not some superfluous uber religious term. I thought we were suppose to have the mind of Christ, be a servant to all, surrender privileges, and endeavor for the unity of the brethren.

I guess I was wrong. Yet the show must go on. We must have another speaker, another program, another fund raiser, and another performance. We must involve ourselves in ecclesiastical entertainment and call it genuine praise and worship.

Is that really what it all boils down to? Money, fame, and pleasure?

If I didn’t know better I would cash in my chips and check out of this game. I would walk away from the whole lot of it.

Yet Jesus. The same yesterday, today, and forever.

His nature is never corrupted by those who misuse his giftings for their own personal gratification and advancement.

Is this really what it was supposed to become?

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The Compulsive Liar

All liars have their place in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone…

You’d think this would be enough. This imagery of flesh melting and falling from the bone as the body falls surrounded by spiritual flames that bring you to the point of death but it’s sweet release escapes you.

This feeling of swimming is an infernal void of regret, self loathing, and hopelessness. This place in a pit with a reserved seating section for the Liar.

How is it that every day there is more to learn, or rather to unlearn about you?

I find that the entire time I was pushing, pursuing, seeking God, and hearing from his that great things were going to happen you were consistently hindering me, and compulsively lying about it.

You never truly cared about my growth, success, or progress in the kingdom. You intentionally planned for me to never achieve great things in God, and most likely chuckled under your foul breath every time you heard me speak hope to that suffocating situation.

I pray you repent. Do you see your church drying up?

I pray you make it right. Do you notice the drops in attendance?

I pray you ask other to forgive you? Is the note weighing on you more and more?

I pray you wake up. Don’t you see that time is running out for you?

Imagine what it could have been like with genuine Christianity and relationship with God.

Maybe the saddest part of all is that you have believed your own lies, fabricated your own reality, and refuse to believe you are standing in a wasteland.

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The sky is falling

Have you ever had a week that it looked like all of hades was going to break loose?

This was an interesting week but I believe God taught me some things.  

Basically I went to work on a fridge and it didn’t work. I had to go to the man’s house, Dr. Jekyl I’ll call him, and he had a few things to tell me. First he was polite, and then slowly as the serum, or alcohol or whatever took over he let me have it. Standing in his kitchen the man revealed to me his status. He owns four businesses including one for app development. He can fly wherever he wants to in the world, and has a high powered attorney. He has an investigation against our company and will soon begin to proceed with legal things if the fridge isn’t fixed. It’s been too many times that we have been out there. Now whether or not you believe he was serious he had a pretty convincing story. I listened to him cuss and accuse and speak ill of the company, and then say he likes me, I’m a nice guy but it’s the company and blah blah blah. 

  

I called my boss. 

  
At the time I didn’t feel like chicken little but I sure sounded like it. I told him everything and he told me we would go there the next day, put in the part, and fix it. 

I wanted him to help me describe the impending doom that i thought was real. He didn’t and called me a while later. We had a very long talk. 

I picked up the part in Dallas the next day, and eventually made it over to Mr. Hyde’s. 

We found the issue and my dreams of destruction were dashed. I didn’t want things to be destroyed but I was convinced. But God showed me something through this. 

It’s never as bad as it seems. 

God isn’t surprised, and it’s always better to take the low road, remain humble, and be still and know that he is God. 

The sky is not falling. 

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Where was I?

Well a lot has happened in 1,708 days. So I’m not going to try and fill you in with everything that has happened. One, because I don’t know of anyone who reads this. Two, because I am writing this more for therapy than anything else. 

Long story short within 5 years I’ve lost 5 people, changed jobs, got raises, had two kids, and our marriage is going strong. I’m still involved in ministry and I am still living for God. 
But the most recent craziness to happen to me personally is a car wreck. I always joked about the talking heads, and plagiarizing billboards warning against looking at the phone, or texting while driving. They say 

Everything can change in a split second 

Right…
Well excuse me while I pick the crow out of my teeth. It happened. Driving home from work, and planning my wife’s birthday celebration, I looked down for a split second, and when I looked back up all I could see were the tail lights of the braking traffic. I quickly slammed on my brakes and slammed into the back of a pickup at about 45mph. 

All I could feel was pain. Searing pain. I said 

Hallelujah Jesus. Hallelujah Jesus. Hallelujah Jesus…

Over and over again. 

I waited for the impact of the vehicle from behind and thankfully I never got hit. My tools were in my trunk and I surely would have taken my last breath. 

As the pain continued to increase all I could think about was my future. I said

I can’t die like this. I have a purpose. I have a calling. God has told me I would be something. I have a mantle. 

I walked away from the crash, careless but hopeful. I can always get another vehicle. Hopefully another $500 cash 1991 Honda Accord. But eternity is forever and I pray I can fulfill the will of God for my life here before crossing into glory land. 

I am so grateful to have my wife, kids, church, Pastor, job, and mostly my God. Without the protection of the Lord and his provision for me life I wouldn’t be here right now. My wife would be a single mother, jobless, trying to raise two children on her own. God is good. 

🎶He thought I was worth saving.🎶

  

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Bleh

Apple crashes too much

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Day 13: sweet!

So I go outside because one of my coworkers decided to give me a couple iPhone USB cables just for free. I say “thanks man, I really appreciate this!”

He says “no problem, I wont be here for a whole week” and drives off.

Suddenly, I turn around and begin to walk back inside. Then, Behold! A ten dollar bill is lying upon the ground!

Joy!

Thank you Jesus! All I did was walk outside and made a $50 profit!

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